Loss, Fear and Medicines

I have recently lost 2 friends in almost a month. Both were community members and had dedicated their lives to the cause. I thought I would be dealing with the situation normally. After all, death is not something unfamiliar for me. But I was wrong...

The first one was a sister. And even though I have already known her condition, the fact that she wasn't ill before went to a coma, struck me so hard. She was a great person whom many women look up to. And her death affected me severely.

I was trying to play it cool. Told myself and everybody that it was the best for her. That she was no longer in pain. She was no longer panting hard every time she walks a few meters. All was good and it was all her destiny. 

I led my life normally, but secretly I have to deal with depression from my loss. It's never easy when your client passed away, but it certainly is hard when it is your good friend. I was (and am) trying to recover myself from the emotional shock that haunts me.

Nearly 30 days after she died, another friend of mine passed away. A brother. For the worst of all, he died during the day and I didn't get the news until late at night. Obviously, I couldn't see him or attend his funeral. He was also a good friend of mine. We spent days of trainings together. Discussing, problem solving, laughing. The last communication I had with him was end of last year. He told me that he was back in Jakarta and we needed to catch up (which we never did).

His death, that I consider so sudden, was like a slap in the face. I was still recovering from the previous loss. Haven't fully recovered yet... When I got the news, it was like I stood by the cliff and somebody pushed me down. I was falling.... I am falling... to a bottomless crack...

On the day he died, another good friend of mine turned 50. And of course, I am happy for him because two of my friends didn't even make it to their 40s. In fact, all of my friends who died were under 40. How...?

And then I have this constant fear creeping in... I am now 38 and not on medications. Will I make it to 40, then? Most of my friends were on medications and yet, they didn't reach the so-called glorious year, 40. When it is "life begins at 40" for others, will it be the contrary for me.... I wonder...

I feel that losing 2 friends in a month is too much to take. And as much comfort my friends gave me, "This is God's will" is not the sort of thing I want to hear. Bullcrap! They were diligently taking their meds! There must be something wrong with the meds here! It is staggering to me to realize how many friends I have lost here in the past 3 years, and yet none of my friends from the developed countries who passed away (apart from those who had heart attack and been murdered). And so, I fear that we have a serious problems with the medicines here. 

But apart from that... I am worried that it will take a long time for me to recover. Maybe I'm weak... or maybe I'm just done playing tough... 

 

Jakarta, 09 April 2013 ~ I'm on the edge.....