It´s been four years since I was diagnosed with HIV. I still remember, it was 15th of May 2006. So, today it´s been four years and four months. I have come a long way from being an ordinary working woman to what people call AIDS activist. I never call myself an activist. It is the title people gave me, I consider myself more as an NGO worker. I do feel my life had been turning right to the opposite direction. I never thought I would be working as an NGO worker. Nevertheless, the experience had enriched my life so much that I don´t want to go back to work in private sectors anymore.
I know that for some people, even until today, being an HIV-positive person is scary and somehow cursed. Funny enough I never get into that stage, except once, when I accompanied Chris to do his test. That was, by far, the scariest moment in my life. But we handled things well, especially because his test result came up fine. Apart from that, I never felt scared at all. Because of my dedication to the cause and to all “special people” like me out there, I seen places I could only dreamed about in my past life. I befriended with people from around the world (and I mean, literally from around the world!), meeting all the important people and world´s leading activists. I feel blessed more than cursed.
However, living a life as an NGO worker isn´t easy. Our lives deemed to be dependent to funding support from donors. Once the crisis strikes the financial section, we´re doomed. Since the world suffered from the financial crisis in late 2008, many NGOs were closing down or forced to tighten the budget. And by tighten the budget means that they need to reduce the human resources accordingly to the funding availability. Furthermore, slimming down the programs by re-prioritising the existing programs. A lot of NGOs had to cut down both, human resources and programs, though the demand to increase and scale up the programs were actually clearly laid out since the previous years. Another external factor that had a great impact on funding crisis was that HIV is now seen as an outdated issue. Unsexy. People are over it already because it has been more than two decades. There was an indication of “HIV fatigue” within the donor agencies. People are turning their investment to more popular causes such as climate change, food security, disaster management and poverty reduction. HIV issue is treated like H1N1 which is expected to be tackled shortly and people should move on afterwards. The fact that HIV is a “living issue”, which keep evolving from time to time, often forgotten. I have seen how the activists were demanding the donor agencies to keep funding HIV and not to retreat during the XVIII International AIDS Conference in Vienna recently. They held a big rally, asking governments and funding agencies to keep their promises in supporting the HIV prevention, treatment, care and support programs. The rally was held not only because the ongoing financial crisis but also due to some indications given by government of developed countries and major donors that they were talking about pulling out the HIV support. The financial crisis that strikes the world has made a lot of NGO workers (like me!) live in limbo.
Having spent a couple of years living in Malaysia, it was very weird for me to come back. And I swear to myself that this was not for good. The more I live here, the more I feel that I don´t fit in anymore. There are too many things that I don´t agree with. There are too many issues among the local NGOs here that I cannot stand. People are fighting with each other. Among themselves!They were arguing over semantics and sweat over the smallest things. I feel so weary just reading the emails posted in the mailing list. The whole hyperbolic reasoning, over-sensitivities, stubbornness, ego, pride and all the negative energy that spreads along the list were making me so tired. No wonder we are not making significant progress here. it´s not that I don´t want to contribute more in my own country, but this country had already full of activists who works for HIV and AIDS cause. More senior than me, obviously, so sometimes I felt like I will never get over my “probationary time”. I will always be the new comer in the field, I feel like there´s no room for me. Sometimes I feel that they disregard my opinion or my voice. Funny enough that people overseas are more open and excited to hear from me. They are more appreciative to me. They perceived me as I am. As a person living with HIV who fights for her rights and existence as well as acknowledgement. They seen me as an equal partner. They appreciate me for what I have done the best I could, not for the sake of seniority nor because I have worked for many years in this field (because I really haven´t!).
So, after four years of living with HIV (which is nothing compared to others), what do I achieve... really...?
Quite a lot actually... I indirectly contribute to the fight against stigma, discrimination and human rights violations of people living with HIV. I put a human´s face, a woman´s face, to HIV. I indirectly contribute to the empowerment of people living with HIV worldwide.
