I’ve always known that loneliness is my best friend. I’ve always been a solitaire. And I’ve always dreamed about living alone in a foreign country. No matter where. Never have I felt in need of someone, until he came. Just popped into my lonely and solitary life here and started giving new colors. The laughs. The smiles. The talks. The discussions. The learning. The sharing. The touches. The kisses. The caresses. The jealousies. The whispers between the sheets and sweats. The shoulder and pillow talks. Everything. I love everything that he gave me. I love everything that we do together. I cherish every moments I have with him. And somehow, I wish I could stop the hands of time and just stay in his arms forever.
Everything happened so fast, and before I even realized it, I was already going mad about him. I spent every single second in a day, thinking about him. How I missed him when he’s not around. How time flies whenever I’m with him. How I love the way he looked at me. How I enjoyed lingering with him. How I feel so safe in his arms. How I love the scent of his sweating body. How I’m crazy for his lips. How I love the way he spoke to me. How I love all of his efforts to make me smile and laugh. How I love the way he touched me. How I love the way he missed me when I was not around. How I love watching him sleeping peacefully. And… How I hate myself for not being able to express genuinely of what I feel for him. How I hate myself so much for not being able to be honest with him about myself. How I suffer the lonely days and nights without him when I was away from him. How I hate so much to be away from him. And most of all… how I hate the thought of us not being together.
For many nights and days I’m thinking and asking myself over and over again. “Is it lust… or is it another form of love…” I never knew. And I never tried to find out. Why? Maybe I’m just too afraid. Afraid of knowing the truth. Afraid of listening to what my soul and heartbeats tell me. Afraid of having the feelings for him. Scared to admit that what we have is absolutely beautiful and somehow pure. Too scared to tell him that I fell so deep for him and somehow, I can feel the spark of love illuminates the darkest corner of my soul. However, I love everything about him. All about him, with no exceptions at all. He has a beautiful soul and personality which I adore so much. And he’s not a rebound. There’s no doubt about it. With him, I can forget about who I am and at the same time, remember who I am. There’re no boundaries between us. Not the language. Not the status. Not the race. Not the culture. Nothing. Everything seems so full of freedom. So carefree and loose, as if I can be anything I want.
But something’s bothering me. Never have I ever felt in my life, I regret about my condition like now. Because no matter what, I will never be able to surrender my life and soul in his hands completely. I will never be able to do that. I don’t want to. I can’t. I have a best friend inside me that makes it impossible. How I cursed myself lately for having it, but there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do now is just make the most memorable time with him. Make the best and the most of everything with him. Carpe diem. Seize the day, forget tomorrow. I know that this is not eternal. But some things in this life are not meant to be eternal. So be it. Let me have what I can have today. Let me forget that tomorrow shall come and that day will come too. For the first time in my life, I don’t want to plan anything. I just want to go with the flow. Flow of my heart and my feelings, and perhaps also his. Maybe…
When that day comes, I wish he would let me keep him in my heart, my mind and my soul. I wish he would let me have him in every beat of my heart and every breath that I take. I wish he wouldn’t let me forget everything that we have now and let me love him… in spirit. Because I believe that to love is not always to have physically, but at least I wish he would let me have him spiritually and keep all the memories of him at the back of my mind. I wish he would always keep my soul illuminated, wherever I go. I have nothing to offer to him, but half of myself and a corner of my soul, where he’s already there. Nevertheless, I’m still afraid to admit that I have fallen in love… it hurts me deeply because I cannot make myself his, and yet, I cannot afford to lose him…
NOCTURNE
Sapardi Djoko Damono
I let the starlight possess you
I let the pale and ever-restless wind,
That suddenly changes into a sign, take you from me
I know not when I might have you
… … …
So, I walk under the beautiful dusk sky. Listening to a lonely song inside my soul. The splash of orange and purple mixed with dark clouds made the sky looked so dramatic. And so the evening falls dramatically into a dark night with melancholy. Somehow I feel the emptiness inside strikes back. I am a solitaire. And the night is my sanctuary. I always found the night is calming. I love letting the moonbeams wrap me and have the wind as my true companion along the way.
I stopped and feel the cool breeze. I love the smell of the wet ground after a heavy rain. It’s so pure and fresh. And suddenly… I miss you… you are so far away from me but yet, you are everywhere. You are in the air that I breathe. You are in the breeze that caresses my hair. I can feel you touch me when the wind blows softly on my face. Solitude has always been my good friend, but tonight I realized… I AM lonely… [01:49]
I had to force myself to say it… to him. Surprisingly, it wasn’t as hard. I realized it wasn’t only me being honest and open to him. It was more of being honest and open to myself. I couldn’t lie to myself any longer anymore. My heart, as well as my soul, was ready to explode. I was sure I would go crazy if I didn’t tell him… that I do love him. I have fallen for him.
Love comes in many different forms in my life… but I still can’t figure out which one is this. And frankly speaking, I don’t really care about which form is this. I love him unconditionally. I expect nothing in return. I just want to give. Maybe I was already taken too much from other people in my life. Maybe I have already expected more than enough all these times. So, maybe this is my time to start giving. And if it is, I’m glad it’s him. Lessons learned. There’s nothing wrong by being honest and open, especially to yourself. And it sure was tougher to fool yourself than being honest.
I love the feel of your name on my lips
I like the sound of your sweet gentle kiss
The way that your fingers run through my hair
How your scent lingers even when you’re not there
I like the way your eyes dance when you laughed
How you enjoy your two-hour bath
And how you convince me to dance in the rain
With everyone’s watching like we were insane
But I love the way you love me
Strong and wild
Slow and easy
Hard and soft
So completely
I love the way you love me
[for my beloved fiancee... Chris Pearman]
Everything happened so fast, and before I even realized it, I was already going mad about him. I spent every single second in a day, thinking about him. How I missed him when he’s not around. How time flies whenever I’m with him. How I love the way he looked at me. How I enjoyed lingering with him. How I feel so safe in his arms. How I love the scent of his sweating body. How I’m crazy for his lips. How I love the way he spoke to me. How I love all of his efforts to make me smile and laugh. How I love the way he touched me. How I love the way he missed me when I was not around. How I love watching him sleeping peacefully. And… How I hate myself for not being able to express genuinely of what I feel for him. How I hate myself so much for not being able to be honest with him about myself. How I suffer the lonely days and nights without him when I was away from him. How I hate so much to be away from him. And most of all… how I hate the thought of us not being together.
For many nights and days I’m thinking and asking myself over and over again. “Is it lust… or is it another form of love…” I never knew. And I never tried to find out. Why? Maybe I’m just too afraid. Afraid of knowing the truth. Afraid of listening to what my soul and heartbeats tell me. Afraid of having the feelings for him. Scared to admit that what we have is absolutely beautiful and somehow pure. Too scared to tell him that I fell so deep for him and somehow, I can feel the spark of love illuminates the darkest corner of my soul. However, I love everything about him. All about him, with no exceptions at all. He has a beautiful soul and personality which I adore so much. And he’s not a rebound. There’s no doubt about it. With him, I can forget about who I am and at the same time, remember who I am. There’re no boundaries between us. Not the language. Not the status. Not the race. Not the culture. Nothing. Everything seems so full of freedom. So carefree and loose, as if I can be anything I want.
But something’s bothering me. Never have I ever felt in my life, I regret about my condition like now. Because no matter what, I will never be able to surrender my life and soul in his hands completely. I will never be able to do that. I don’t want to. I can’t. I have a best friend inside me that makes it impossible. How I cursed myself lately for having it, but there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do now is just make the most memorable time with him. Make the best and the most of everything with him. Carpe diem. Seize the day, forget tomorrow. I know that this is not eternal. But some things in this life are not meant to be eternal. So be it. Let me have what I can have today. Let me forget that tomorrow shall come and that day will come too. For the first time in my life, I don’t want to plan anything. I just want to go with the flow. Flow of my heart and my feelings, and perhaps also his. Maybe…
When that day comes, I wish he would let me keep him in my heart, my mind and my soul. I wish he would let me have him in every beat of my heart and every breath that I take. I wish he wouldn’t let me forget everything that we have now and let me love him… in spirit. Because I believe that to love is not always to have physically, but at least I wish he would let me have him spiritually and keep all the memories of him at the back of my mind. I wish he would always keep my soul illuminated, wherever I go. I have nothing to offer to him, but half of myself and a corner of my soul, where he’s already there. Nevertheless, I’m still afraid to admit that I have fallen in love… it hurts me deeply because I cannot make myself his, and yet, I cannot afford to lose him…
NOCTURNE
Sapardi Djoko Damono
I let the starlight possess you
I let the pale and ever-restless wind,
That suddenly changes into a sign, take you from me
I know not when I might have you
… … …
So, I walk under the beautiful dusk sky. Listening to a lonely song inside my soul. The splash of orange and purple mixed with dark clouds made the sky looked so dramatic. And so the evening falls dramatically into a dark night with melancholy. Somehow I feel the emptiness inside strikes back. I am a solitaire. And the night is my sanctuary. I always found the night is calming. I love letting the moonbeams wrap me and have the wind as my true companion along the way.
I stopped and feel the cool breeze. I love the smell of the wet ground after a heavy rain. It’s so pure and fresh. And suddenly… I miss you… you are so far away from me but yet, you are everywhere. You are in the air that I breathe. You are in the breeze that caresses my hair. I can feel you touch me when the wind blows softly on my face. Solitude has always been my good friend, but tonight I realized… I AM lonely… [01:49]
June 23, 2008 – 11.35 PM, accompanied by This Will Destroy You and Sigur Ros
I had to force myself to say it… to him. Surprisingly, it wasn’t as hard. I realized it wasn’t only me being honest and open to him. It was more of being honest and open to myself. I couldn’t lie to myself any longer anymore. My heart, as well as my soul, was ready to explode. I was sure I would go crazy if I didn’t tell him… that I do love him. I have fallen for him.
Love comes in many different forms in my life… but I still can’t figure out which one is this. And frankly speaking, I don’t really care about which form is this. I love him unconditionally. I expect nothing in return. I just want to give. Maybe I was already taken too much from other people in my life. Maybe I have already expected more than enough all these times. So, maybe this is my time to start giving. And if it is, I’m glad it’s him. Lessons learned. There’s nothing wrong by being honest and open, especially to yourself. And it sure was tougher to fool yourself than being honest.
I love the feel of your name on my lips
I like the sound of your sweet gentle kiss
The way that your fingers run through my hair
How your scent lingers even when you’re not there
I like the way your eyes dance when you laughed
How you enjoy your two-hour bath
And how you convince me to dance in the rain
With everyone’s watching like we were insane
But I love the way you love me
Strong and wild
Slow and easy
Hard and soft
So completely
I love the way you love me
[for my beloved fiancee... Chris Pearman]
